blog it out

today i had another one of those moments that i hate. it's not quite a pity party but rather one of those sad displays of emotion when i realize that i'm no closer to being married now than i was a year ago.

it hit me like a ton of bricks today because of a few announcements of recent engagements coupled with time home with my family where most of my younger cousins are already married with kids. sigh. and i'm the single professional, educated cousin who has everything figured out except how to find a man. they don't have to say it, i feel it when they look at me. and it doesn't get easier when i hold their children and cry on the inside because i honestly wonder if my chances at motherhood are in jeopardy. it's not a pity party. more like a panic party. i was at my desk and i panicked!

my friends understand of course and told me all the encouraging things i needed to hear and reminded me that i am indeed closer to being married than i was last year as it's a whole year later and god is working it out.

man i wish i understood god's timeline. i wish i understood why it was perfectly normal for some people to get married in their 20s and start families while it doesn't seem in the plans for me yet and i'm in my 30s. early 30s, but still 30s. what was special about them? and what's not special about me? see, that's the panic party talk!

my friend said she was sending me a hug through chat. you know, sometimes you just need to hug it out. but sometimes you need to blog it out. i needed to give words to those emotions of panic so i can use god's word to cast them down. he knows the plans he has for me. to bring me a future and expected end. he has not forgotten about me or my love life or my desire for a hubby and family. he knows those things and while i gave into the panic, i'm not going to wallow in it.

it is indeed hard some days to see everyone else celebrating anniversaries and birthdays for their children and not being able to join in. while i was home. my friend's mom asked me on the sly about my love life. i promise i'm trying. i really am. i don't know what i'm doing wrong or not getting. but i'm trying. and i'm trying to stay sane as time passes and it hasn't happened yet. operative words being yet. it hasn't happened yet. but boy i can't wait to shout i do. and then tell everyone that matters (and that list is quite short actually!) that i's married now.

does that sound desperate? who cares. i know what i want and the only people who don't get what they want are the ones who don't ask for it and seek it. that ain't me!