you know the rest - asking him to love me. but here's the real ending. he said no. so far, that has been the story of my life. i don't like that story very much. no, i don't like that story at all. i need that story to be be burned and destroyed and never told again in reference to me.
it's like my love life is some sort of black hole where no light (hope) has managed to escape. at least that's what i was thinking when i had my date night tonight and started painting. i didn't really feel like talking or praying or singing or dancing. so i painted. and i thought about that movie knotting hill and my favorite line when julia roberts says i'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love me.
black hole of love. but i'm not a gloom and doom person and i have to believe that despite the history, the future is bright. so i took some some black paint and covered a canvas with it. and then i took some silver paint and drug it across the canvas in a crazy lines and circles. finally i took some gold paint and did the same thing. in the end, i had a big black hole filled with intersecting gold and silver lines. i'm silver, he's gold. if we continue to live life and our lives intersect at different points in some way or another, we are bound to collide.
my faith tells me that's not really how it works. it's not by chance, but there is a purposed plan. some days i find that hard to believe. i don't see the evidence of it. but tonight i realized that i can't take begging someone to love me only to have him say no every time. i'm better than that. i'm certainly worthy of better than that.
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